Did I? Did I?

I decided to close the store for a day after the burglary, just to settle a bit. Plus, it was a dark, cloudy day, and on these days I really enjoyed going for walks.  

I left my apartment to go for my daily walk. I made it all the way down to the lobby before thoughts started racing through my head, “Did I lock the door? Did I lock the door? Did I lock the door? Did I lock the door?” These are the intrusive thoughts that I sometimes have to face with OCD. I tired to continue, to make it to the park. I knew I needed to go for a long walk. Yet, still, I was thinking “Did I lock the door 2 times, 6 time, none at all?” 

At the park, there was a bonfire going, and maybe 10 people there. They all seemed pretty calm, when all I could think was, “I locked the door, right? Or did I forget to lock the door? Shit I can’t remember!” The fire only reminded me of the fact that I may have not turned off the stove. I was now wondering if my apartment was going to catch on fire. "Did I turn off the stove?" I had to get out of the park. I had to. All while I was wondering and obsessing over my apartment, some woman was talking to me about some restaurant. I honestly couldn’t hear a word she was saying cause all I could hear was, “Is the door locked and is the stove off? Is the door locked and is the stove off?” She probably thought I was crazy. I was just a girl standing, shaking, and muttering to myself. I could care less though, because all I wondered is if I would go home and fine the room a mess. I really can’t take another ruined home. Once is enough for a lifetime. Please God, please tell me I locked the door, turned off the stove, and have a spotless, clean room… 

A Child's Dream? Apt. 426

9:00 am, after a fun night at the bowling alley for a tournament, I walk down the street to my shop. I get there, ready to unlock the door, 2 times, and start my day. Then, I realize that the window is smashed open and glass covers a good portion of the sidewalk. 

This reminded me of what my parents house looked like when I was little. Messy and destroyed. My OCD stems from that old house. Nothing ever seemed to be in order, so now as a result, everything must be in order. But not today. My bakery is a mess. It looks like a little kids dream. There are cupcakes everywhere. White frosting covers some areas of the floor like an ice skating rink. Sprinkles cover the counter like a mini ball pit that kids love to jump in. My childhood was never that fun though, and this break-in of my store is not fun to me. 

Looking at my burglarized shop, the reality is that all my baked goods are destroyed, and the cash register is emptied out. The good part is that I emptied and took the money in the cash register to the bank a couple days ago since I knew there was a lot of snow predicted to come, so there wasn’t too much money that I lost. 

I was determined not to loose too much, since a lot of the time, it seems like I lost my childhood. 

Branching Out

I branched out today. My therapist, which I see about once a week, to help with my OCD, says I need to go outside my bubble, my comfort zone. Psh, I think I am fine, but whatever, I guess I will try. The therapist, Dr. Wood, says that to help with my compulsive disorder, I should have someone else help me in my cupcake store, so I decide to hire someone to wash the dishes. So, there I go, trying to be a good patient. I hang up a rusty, black and red, “Help Wanted” sign in front of my shop. I hired Troy two hours later and he never stops talking about poetry. Ever.

Also, just to show off my progress, at my therapist office, I was in the waiting room, and this guy was whispering to himself, so I decided to start a conversation. We talked for about 10 minutes. I learned three things about him. His name is Clive Buccatti, he visits a shrink a lot, and he was in a comma for 10 years. Man, I am becoming a full blown tree, branching out so much! The coolest thing was, that Clive also branched out. He carried out a conversation with me about an upcoming meteor shower happening and that I should check it out. Finally, before leaving the building, Clive said his shrink suggested that he visited a public place, so he said he might come buy cupcakes later, but who knows if he will actually come. I guess I will just wait and see. 

Back at the shop, it felt like a sauna. It was an unseasonably warm day, and the warmth was just leaking into the store. I trudged on anyway though. I baked 6 dozen red velvet cupcakes, with 44 waffle cone crumbs on each. I waited for customers to come, while hearing the background noise of Troy washing dishes. Hopefully a customer, or actually an even number of customers, will come soon, maybe even Clive.